Book Summary: Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss
Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It
Many of us “split the difference” when nearing the end of a negotiation because we’ve been taught that it produces a win-win result. In the early 1980’s, Getting to Yes pushed this problem-solving approach into the mainstream. By prioritizing our rational mind, it taught us to identify our BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement) before the process begins and use it to drive the negotiation. The problem is that negotiations are rarely rational in real life. As humans, emotions always enter into the equation. Even the FBI moved away from solely using BATNA after the fatally disastrous negotiations at Ruby Ridge and the Branch Davidian compound in the early 1990’s. Chris Voss acknowledges our irrationally while putting forth a whole new model of negotiating that is “designed to help you disarm, redirect, and dismantle your counterpart…and to do so in a relationship-affirming way.”
As the former lead international kidnapping negotiator for the FBI, Voss found himself in a few hairy situations in his career. But before you conclude that his recommendations won’t apply to your job sitting behind a desk or even navigating a relationship with your kids, know that his book teaches how to get what you want while being psychologically aware. He instructs readers to use their emotions, instincts, and insights during interactions so we connect better with others, influence them, and achieve more (in an ethical way). And his approach doesn’t use woo-woo, feel-good psychology either.
Active Listening
His method begins with the premise that everyone wants to be understood and accepted. And that all negotiations are guided by a network of buried wants and needs. Effective negotiations use a language of “conversation and rapport.” It shouldn’t be a battle between arguments. Instead, it’s a process of discovery with a goal of uncovering as much information as possible. During this process, use silences to your advantage, as remaining silent is more likely to encourage the other party to talk and reveal information that can aid in the negotiation. If you move too quickly, your counterpart may feel like they aren’t being heard and it could undercut the initial rapport. Importantly, listening for things you may not know may help uncover a black swan or something previously thought to be impossible. Another way to think of black swans is the “unknown unknowns.” And detecting a black swan can multiply the leverage you are using in the negotiation.
Tactical Empathy
Voss recommends imagining yourself in the other party’s situation to help understand what position they are in, why their actions make sense to them, and what might persuade them to change. (That doesn’t necessarily mean you agree with their perspective, however). He calls this tactical empathy or understanding the feelings and mindset of the other party. Many of us enter a negotiation or verbal debate unable to persuade the other party of anything because we only care about and know our own goals and opinions. Instead, listen to what is behind their feelings to help increase your influence.
Another effective technique is to conduct an accusation audit. In their opening statements, defense attorneys employ this tactic by recapping the accusations against their client and all the weaknesses of that case. List every terrible thing your negotiating counterpart could say about you and say them before they can. This allows you to prevent the negative dynamics before they start.
Important to Get to No Quickly
Pushing people to say “yes” is more likely to make them defensive. In its place, focus on “no,” which does not equal failure. While getting to yes is the final goal of the negotiation, hearing a no along the way can mean I’m not ready yet or I’m not comfortable with that. This marks the true beginning of a negotiation. A counterpart who says no is defining their space. It also gives them the confidence to continue listening because they felt safe and secure from saying no when they didn’t feel at ease.
Calibrated Questions
Asking questions that start with “How” or “What” means you are implicitly asking your counterpart for help. This technique is likely to give them an illusion of control. Unlike statements, these questions are less likely to elicit an attack from a counterpart; they have the ability to educate the other party about the problem rather than tell them what it is. These open-ended questions are also more likely to encourage them to talk and reveal important information about their wants and needs. Using these techniques means the difference between “you’re screwing me out of money,” and “how am I supposed to do that?” Here are two examples of calibrated questions: what about this is important to you? How would you like to proceed? And a note of caution: don’t use “Why” in these types of questions because it almost always comes across as accusatory.
Ackerman Model
Named after a former CIA agent, this haggling system is used to agree on a specific value, and draws on many of the techniques that Voss recommends in his book. Here is the multi-step process to using the Ackerman Model:
“Set your target price (your goal).
Set your first offer at 65% of your target price.
Calculate three raises of decreasing increments (to 85, 98, and 100 percent)
Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying ‘no’ to get to other side to counter before you increase the offer.
When calculating the final amount, use precise, non-round numbers, like, say, $37,893 rather than $38,000. It gives the number credibility and weight.
On your final number, throw in a nonmonetary item (that they probably don’t want) to show you’re at your limit.”
Voss’ book has the tremendous power to reorient your approach to negotiations. And it contains many more useful techniques and the reasons behind why they work than I have room to summarize here. I highly recommend the read.